"How are you?"

For those who know me, it’s no secret that I’m no fan of small talk. I much rather have meaningful conversations. Being goal oriented, this holds extra true in a work setting where I prefer straight to the point, no tip-toeing, efficiency.

Small talk serves a purpose though – it allows parties to feel each other out and self-tune, easing tensions and providing lubrication for whatever conversation is to follow. If a few back-and-forths without substance is the price to get the ball rolling, it’s time well spent.

But there’s a question I loathe during small talk, a question usually blurted out early on to initiate the conversation or to acknowledge someones presence – “How are you?”

The very nature of it pushes boundaries as the answer is personal and requires introspection with a high level of self-awareness. Forcing it upon someone straight off the bat has the social delicacy akin to cutting cheese with a sledgehammer.

It also lacks context – how am I about what exactly? Economy, love, health, what? There’s no prior discussion from which the context could be inferred.

Even if one would assume it’s about physical and mental health, a logical reach, the answer is still dependent on other aspects. Man is a complex, multi-faceted, beast. I doubt there’s a single person that is content with all aspects of their life. If there is, I pity them, as there is nothing more to achieve or experience.

I can’t fathom why the question became prevalent in use. In most settings the asking party isn’t interested in your well-being, it’s just noise for the sake of it.

On the off chance that it’s asked genuinly you might just have opened Pandora’s box if you answer truthfully about a clouded mind – follow-up questions could ensue that you are not prepared to face yet or they might not be prepared to handle your current state. Either way the conversation is tainted and steered off course.

Thus social norms dictates that the acceptable answer is “I’m fine”. A lie at worst and an empty shell of an answer at best.

The question is common in Sweden these days as well but that wasn’t always the case. I vividly remember a TV commercial from my childhood humorously highlighting the issue: a Swede was standing in an elevator when an American walked into it and acknowledged the Swedes presence by saying “Hey how are you?”. The Swede started listing all the issues in his life, whereupon the American looked as if he had just met a loony. I believe the commercial was for a telecom company but I could be wrong as it was in the 90s – a time where commercials didn’t have to make sense.

We all benefit from introspection and it’s something I do regularly. Understanding where you are and what you want is key to moving forward. Forcing it upon someone else and prodding for an answer in a shallow context is a big no-no though. Especially when it’s ingenuine.

Conversation is a social dance and small talk is the catalyst. Keep it at the appropriate timing and level of the nature of the relationship. If you care and want to bond, a better question of similar nature would be “What are you up to?”. It’s genuine and open ended, allowing the other person to share what he or she is comfortable with.